Today we had really hoped to be able to at least unbuckle him from his stroller so we could work towards finally getting him out and comfortable with us. He was having none of it. We unbuckled one side and tried to distract him but he started screaming and banging his head until we buckled it back up. He even tried to buckle it himself, which showed great problem solving and fine motor skills, but to be honest...it broke my heart. Now please bear with me because I know this is what we signed up for and we knew this was probably how it was going to go, but no matter how prepared we were it still hurts when your child rejects you. I know he is not doing it on purpose and I know it is a result of how he has been treated. I know he feels secure being confined and his little world has been so closed off that even visiting 2 new people in a room just feet from his crib is scary to him. But my mama heart just wants to swoop him up and hold him. I would even settle for any connection at all. Eventually he got to the point today that he just wanted to be where he could see down the hall and just wanted to sit and wait for his nanny to come. I can't stop crying even now, all he wanted was back in his crib.
I have to be honest, I read other blogs of parents here holding their kids kissing all over them, even having their kids fall asleep in their arms...I get a little jealous. Please don't judge me or message me saying I should have know, etc... I know all the reasons I should not feel sad about it, it's only been a few days, he can't help it, etc...but it still hurts no matter how irrational it is.
I know it will get better, I just needed to be honest. I think the added stress and sleeplessness of having to go back to the capitol tomorrow and the reality that Tyler will be leaving soon are adding to my emotional state. Today I am just plain sad.
I have been in contact with some very close family and friends and they have been so encouraging. Hearing another mom who adopted a child in a similar situation tell me the strides that her son has made in a short amount of time with bonding was so encouraging too. And really what can we do but what we have done all along...surrender it to God. He will get us through this and Valentin's life will be redeemed, I have no doubt. We just have to stick very close to scripture and pray and praise our way through these tough days.
I received the following email from my amazing mom and am meditating constantly on these scriptures, is she the best or what????
"Since God cares for you, let Him carry all your burdens and worries." (1Peter 5:7)
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
—2 Corinthians 4:16–18
Love,
Mom
OH JAMIE.... CRYING WITH YOU... Just crying. I have no words.
ReplyDeleteAs you know ... time will heal. My little one tried to get back to her crib during every single visit. And it did hurt. Please hear me when I say that now, 20 months later she is the biggest snuggler ever! I love following your blog.
ReplyDeleteOh, you shouldn't apologize for being sad. Even if you know what to expect that doesn't make it any easier. You guys are wonderful, just keep at it!
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling that despite the rought start, Valentin will blossom before your eyes once he's home. No, it's not going to be easy, but he will be oh so worth it in the end ! Hang in there :)
ReplyDeleteCourage, dear hearts. God is with you. He knows it's hard. He knows how it is with Valentin too. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteOne thing that will help is having some Russian (not sure what language they speak where you are) to say to him to help calm him. Can your driver, interpreter or fascilitator give you several phrases you can say to him to calm him down, something the nannies say to him, like "It's ok", or "Mamma's here" "Don't be afraid" and other phrases like, "Are you hungry?" "Are you tired?" I'm sure you already thought of this, but I am just thinking of the transition and that it will make it easir if you know a little to help him understand. It's hard to imagine all he must be going through with these changes in his life (albeit wonderful changes), and so much more to come.
ReplyDeleteMy first son was much younger than Valentin when he came home with us, but he was very easily over stimulated and had to take new things in very small doses which as a new parent is hard because you want to expose them to so much. It was an incredibly difficult time. Tiny steps, a little each day until he can handle it and then move on to the next step. I'm sure you've thought of all of this, but being in country and going through everything you are going through - and in a foreign language - takes it's toll. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way for strength and peace of mind.
You aren't being irrational at all! That's how any mama would feel...so helpless. You are having to squelch your natural instincts to scoop him up and comfort him which is challenging. You are doing a great job of just allowing him to connect with you on his own timeline. It will happen though, someday instead of looking for safety beyond the bars of the crib he'll look for that comfort in your arms.
ReplyDeleteOur prayer is with you. God is faithful. He is with you on this very daunting and seemingly thankless (at this time) journey. I am glad you can be honest and let it out. You are in a tough place and need to vent but also claim scripture as you are doing. Our child that we adopted was "normal" and yet rejected me for weeks and months and it hurts. I can empathize with your feelings.
ReplyDeleteoH Jamie your mom is the best!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you write your true feelings down, I feel your heart and I can feel what you are going through. It will get better! Jesus has a plan for everything, and Satan is trying to bring you down and discourage you. God is bigger and He has a plan for your life and for Valentin's! He picked HIM to be your son and YOU to rescue him! I like how you share the realities and don't just sugarcoat things. I'm glad you chose to laugh through your circumstances. That would be so very frustrating to have a new child who doesn't acknowledge you and only wants what is familiar instead of something better. Sometimes I feel like my own child would rather have someone else than what I can give him, or even myself and it hurts. But look at it from God's view! Here He is offering salvation and heaven and a better life and we just want our earthly ways and what we know here!!! It takes a change of heart and a different mindset, and a whole bunch of love and encouragement to bring us to the right place. And how do we do that? By spending time with the person we want a relationship with. Just keep spending time with him. It will pay off!!! We love you!! Know you are not alone! There are so many people following your journey and feel like we are apart of it as we read your blog. we can't wait for you to come home soon!!!
When we were in Ukraine and I was scared to death, I texted an adoption friend of mine who said just four words to me- "Just get him out". I will say the same to you. His world is about to be absolutely turned upside down and sideways. He will be terrified. That life is all he's known. But slowly, he will emerge- the little boy God intended him to be all along. Just get him out.
ReplyDeleteHeart breaking for sure, thoughts are with you. It will be a long road, I cant wait for the post where he gets out of that stroller and one step closer to a happy childhood. xx
ReplyDeleteJamie-What is beautiful about you is your honesty. Valentin does not need a rational, pulled together set of parents. He needs fierce and committed, living breath LOVE and God brought him to his parents. You are brave and show great fortitude in being honest, and I don't think any of us who follow your blog ever expected you to sail through this with non-human ease.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you and Tyler and Valentin and your whole family. May God Bless you and Keep you....keep reaching out for support and we will be God's hands and feet and arms for you as you do the same for your boy.
Jane
I was just catching up on your blog. I'm so sorry things were rough. My heart aches for you, but I know God will work this all out. One day at a time my dear. Hugs,
ReplyDeleteChristina Schye
Try to take one day at a time. And remember that your blog is read by others that may be considering a similar journey and being honest and open will help them be prepared. Anyone who judges you has obviously never been through this process. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt maynot matter to you that I think you are a hero. Not just a hero, but a real solid woman of God just walking the walk out. Not about how you feel but what it is all about. Awesome. Awesome. Thank you for sharing and showing me how to walk forward in His Word.
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