Today we had really hoped to be able to at least unbuckle him from his stroller so we could work towards finally getting him out and comfortable with us. He was having none of it. We unbuckled one side and tried to distract him but he started screaming and banging his head until we buckled it back up. He even tried to buckle it himself, which showed great problem solving and fine motor skills, but to be honest...it broke my heart. Now please bear with me because I know this is what we signed up for and we knew this was probably how it was going to go, but no matter how prepared we were it still hurts when your child rejects you. I know he is not doing it on purpose and I know it is a result of how he has been treated. I know he feels secure being confined and his little world has been so closed off that even visiting 2 new people in a room just feet from his crib is scary to him. But my mama heart just wants to swoop him up and hold him. I would even settle for any connection at all. Eventually he got to the point today that he just wanted to be where he could see down the hall and just wanted to sit and wait for his nanny to come. I can't stop crying even now, all he wanted was back in his crib.
I have to be honest, I read other blogs of parents here holding their kids kissing all over them, even having their kids fall asleep in their arms...I get a little jealous. Please don't judge me or message me saying I should have know, etc... I know all the reasons I should not feel sad about it, it's only been a few days, he can't help it, etc...but it still hurts no matter how irrational it is.
I know it will get better, I just needed to be honest. I think the added stress and sleeplessness of having to go back to the capitol tomorrow and the reality that Tyler will be leaving soon are adding to my emotional state. Today I am just plain sad.
I have been in contact with some very close family and friends and they have been so encouraging. Hearing another mom who adopted a child in a similar situation tell me the strides that her son has made in a short amount of time with bonding was so encouraging too. And really what can we do but what we have done all along...surrender it to God. He will get us through this and Valentin's life will be redeemed, I have no doubt. We just have to stick very close to scripture and pray and praise our way through these tough days.
I received the following email from my amazing mom and am meditating constantly on these scriptures, is she the best or what????
"Since God cares for you, let Him carry all your burdens and worries." (1Peter 5:7)
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
—2 Corinthians 4:16–18