Thursday, May 24, 2012

A confession

I have a confession to make.  With each passing day since we have begun the in-country part of these adoptions I have let more and more bitterness creep into my heart.  So much so that it has blinded me to the reason we started all this in the first place.  I have become so discouraged with the local facilitation team, the negative remarks and comments we receive, and other things that have been put in our path to try to throw us off why we are doing this.  I have found myself complaining far more then I am praising God for the opportunity to serve Him.  I knew this was happening as I became less and less on fire for the work God called us to.  I am very ashamed to admit this, especially so publicly.  But by God's grace, I read a blog post from a dear friend.  She is home with a newly adopted child and a newborn plus her five other children (2 adopted in the last two years) and 2 step children.  Here is some of what she said:

This is how it is going.  It's real. It's not pretty.  Adoption isn't all rainbows and hand holding and smiles.  Nope.  Those things are there ~sometimes.  But it's work.  No, it's a work of the Lord.  We don't adopt (or continue to adopt) because it is self-fulfilling and self-gratifying.  Sure, we know what we've done and how we've changed a child's life.  That's good.  The 'goodness' of it isn't reason enough to adopt. 

We aren't doing this for a pat on the back and a 'good job' and 'you're a good person' from family, friends and strangers.  Those words could NEVER carry us through the days I described above.  It's not enough.  Words are weak and empty when measured against cleaning your carpet for the 3rd time that day while a baby and 2 or 3 toddlers scream in the background.  Words are empty and useless UNLESS they are the WORDS of God.  THIS is why we continue to grow our family.  Why we are willing to pay the fees, travel the world and bring home a child who (at first) is angry, hurt and completely unappreciative of ANY of the sacrifices we have made.  A child who demands and wants and doesn't care that we have changed the face of our family to make room for him.  Because of WORDs with power, like this.............

12 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. 14 But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. 15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.  Colossians 3:12-15

14 Do all things without complaining and disputing, 15 that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.   Phillippians 2:14-16

Adopting has brought new meaning to putting on tender mercies, kindness, meekness, longsuffering and bearing with one another.  I'm learning not to complain in the midst of difficulties.  I'm learning what it means to be poured out ~because at the end of the day....I'm done and there is nothing left.  I've gotten to talk to my bigs about what it is to glory in tribulations and the growth that comes from it and where their hope lies and how they stand in GRACE.  So many good things.  

In today's world, we run from suffering.  We avoid it because it's painful.  The Word of God says differently.  We are saved through suffering.  Our salvation cost Jesus.  There was a price to be paid and pain to be experienced.  Why should the adoption of our son be any different?  It costs us and it's painful.  But there is beauty rising from these ashes........

So, THIS is where we are at.  Pray for us.  Pray for our son.  Don't pity us or feel sorry for us.  We are right where we should be.  We won't be here forever.  But for now, we trust our Creator for the things we which pain us, knowing it's a worthy battle we fight.  The life of a child who was lost in an orphanage......that life has new meaning, new value and a fresh start.  

Powerful words from a powerful woman of God.  A dear friend I respect tremendously!  She is digging deep and finding the grace I so casually let slip away.  Her post struck me to the core, it convicted me big time, then it encouraged me, then it led us to hit our knees once again asking for forgiveness.  Tyler and I have been praying all day for forgiveness and for a renewed vigor to not only work to rescue these boys but also to do it with loving hearts towards everyone we encounter.

So I sincerely apologize for the bitterness and complaining I have let creep into these blog posts.  We move forward in the joy of serving the Lord and in the opportunity to shine His light in dark places.


  1. Being in country is HARD, and Satan loves nothing more than to let those lies creep into our hearts and minds. I too was convicted reading this. I will pray for the coming weeks and months for you-that you would focus on the ETERNAL!

  2. Thats amazing, thanks for sharing. It will all be worth it when you look back. If you could see why God allowed things to happen in a certain way, you will realize you wouldn't have changed a thing. Everything will have happened for a reason!

  3. I'm so sorry, Jamie. I read these posts about your struggle and I just want to give you a hug and say, "It's okay! You're not alone!" You don't deserve any of the negativity targeted at you. You are giving these boys love and life - God IS love and life. I truly pity the people that can't see how God lives in your heart.

  4. J- I've been through all this too! We never set out adopting to "do good" but rather to become parents. Now as the years have unfolded our motivations are different having seen so much of the need. But you are right to feel bitter, run down, and exhausted from this journey. When you're in a country that has no religious base it sure does feel like it at times...doesn't it? It's as if you can feel the lack of soul and lack of motivation from God. Parenting at all is not for the faint of heart and in the end adoption is a means to becoming a parent. So wage that war in the name of all that is good and above all try to find the humor, the smiles w/ your hubby so you can keep your sanity!! I remember my hubby and I cracking up in tears b/c he said "thank you" in Russian sounded a whole lot like "spicy bob" and that was all it took one day to lift our moods. (you might not want to publish this for fear of insulting some:) Take heart, regroup, know you're an awesome set of parents and on this earth that is what those kiddos need!!

  5. got to love Lisa...I had forgotten to read this entire post...thank you for the "hard teaching" that is so beautiful because it's about God and not us.